Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
