dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
