I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
