I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
