do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
We're too hungover to prance.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
