I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
