sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
