I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
