i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
