Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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