It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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