you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
