ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Princesses don't give blow jobs
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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