when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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