my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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