Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My cat gives me a boner
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
cat food counts as protein by the way
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
