my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize