I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
