Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
