i can't believe i had my finger in that
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
