Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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