so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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