can we get nightvision for the apartment?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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