when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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