i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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