i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
