There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize