Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
