i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
