She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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