At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
