You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
