you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
