I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
