I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
