i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
