Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
