I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
