I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
