i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
