my mouth tastes like poor choices
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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