The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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