the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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