Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I intend to get homeless drunk
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize