my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Send help, water and tortillas.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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