So drunk its hurt
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
