ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
