is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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