There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
