My friends, they love my intelligence
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
