Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
