every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
