How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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