I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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