thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
