I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
