there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize