cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
