I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
