Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
