Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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