Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
