The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
