the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
