All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
