What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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