i permit you to call me
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
