True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
